November 8

 

This was our reality for days just watching our girl and trying to figure out how to get her closer to home. This nurse was our favorite Chelsea and she did everything in her power to keep Kinlee's long beautiful hair. Seeing the name Sharp on everything helped me so much. Blake was so amazing in the beginning. This is hard for me to write since we know what the end result was with him. But, he had a lot of pressure to jump ship in the beginning too. His dad would call several times a day and we could hear his dad say "She's not your problem anymore, all you are doing is watching the machines breath for her. You need to come home and go back to work". But, he knew everything about the machines and if something didn't look right he made sure to tell whoever would listen. I still think the hardest part was leaving her every night. We did get rest, well as much as we could, sleeping was so hard too, but being gone from 8 pm to 8 am was so hard.

November 7

Messages like these literally pushed me through my day. I didn't save all of them but they were my lifeline through this entire process.

Laina was my LIFELINE to the outside world. Her and Sophia were amazing. Not only did they have Jonah pick me up at the airport, they came every weekend and brought us supplies, and food and just helped me feel a little more normal and sane. Emma helped pay for a lot of the supplies too. We do love our California cousins, I don't know how I could ever repay them. The EEG was GREAT news that is when we found out she did have brain activity. Thank goodness we didn't have to make the hard decision. We didn't know what was ahead of us but we knew she was going to live and we would take whatever life brought us. 

 

The View From the Outside

There is a specific kind of quiet that feels incredibly loud. It’s the silence that follows an unreturned message, the empty space where a conversation used to be, or the heavy stillness of wondering, “Did I say something wrong?”

​Lately, I’ve been living in that quiet.

​Every single day, a familiar paranoia creeps in. It whispers that I’ve offended people, that I’ve somehow misstepped, and that the silence from those around me—even my own people—is a quiet verdict. It is exhausting to constantly replay interactions in your mind, searching for the exact moment a bridge might have broken, wondering why the responses have stopped.

​The hardest part isn't just the silence; it’s everything unsaid. There is so much I could say about my own feelings, so much depth and nuance to what I am carrying, but the space to say it feels like it’s shrinking.

​Instead, I find myself on the outside looking in.

​It is a surreal feeling to watch a life you used to be so deeply embedded in simply continue. The world keeps spinning, people keep moving, plans are made, and days pass—all without you. You become a spectator to a world you used to inhabit. And the sting of that isolation doesn't just affect me. It cuts even deeper to watch the same pattern ripple outward, seeing Kinlee’s friends continue forward, leaving a quiet space where she should be.

​When you are on the outside, you realize how fragile connections can be. But you also realize the value of genuine presence.

​To anyone else who is currently standing in the cold, watching the warmth of their old life move on through a window: I see you. It is a lonely place to be, but you are not wrong for feeling the weight of it.

Present Day

 We got family pictures taken and look how cute our family is. Jerika wanted birth announcement photos and we wanted a quick family picture, so we just used our cell phones and took some pictures. They aren't professional, but I think they look pretty awesome. And look at the happy Kinlee. We just love her happy disposition. She's amazing. We missed Keegan and Tyler but we will take official family pictures in August.

November 6th

I really should transcribe my videos that I sent out every day and put that here on my blog. I also think I can put them in you-tube and share the link for those. I'm not sure I can even watch them at this point, but I will see how to better explain what happened each day. But for this day these pictures will have to suffice. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous post but the fact that the hospital with SHARP gave me so much relief. Seeing it made me think of my dad every time and knowing he was there with me the entire time.

Respiratory came in at least twice a day and twice at night. They were amazing and so kind. Most of the people were actually, but we had several people tell us they would come to see her just because of the feeling in her room (dad) and that it made them feel something so good.

I loaded up on the leftover treats from Halloween to take on my flight with me and these helped a ton - Thank you Megan.

This is the horrible door we had to be buzzed into any time we wanted to see Kinlee. They would only let 2 people in her room at a time so I spent a lot of time outside these doors either working or just waiting for news. The waiting room was on the right and it was so uncomfortable and was always loud and crowded. So I spent a lot of time in the cafeteria or the lobby downstairs.

This was one of the things someone mentioned, but even today we don't have a clue what actually happened. And all her tests that she had done with the heart doctors here say there is absolutely nothing wrong with her heart.

Blake was so good with her the entire time she was in the hospital. We still don't know what happened or "who" happened to make him just ship like he did and just leave her high and dry. And not to mention he threatened us that if we tried to get any community property, money or anything other than her personal items he would get guardianship of her and not tell us where she was. We knew he couldn't take care of her and she would thus end up in a home somewhere we agreed to all the demands. And let me be clear once again he would have never done that without someone evil telling him lies about us.

But he knew everything about her treatment and her vitals and made sure she was taken care of if he thought someone wasn't doing their job.

When we left this night we went to dinner instead of just eating at the hospital or Burger King (where we ate most mornings) and it was nice to get out. But boy did we hate leaving her.

 

November 5th Part 2

I'm not sure what platform I put this on, but it was my post on the 5th.

My flight had a layover in Seattle and as I was thinking about that layover today, it took me a little while to even remember getting of the plane and back on the plane to San Diego. I really don't remember either actually. I do remember trying to find a diet dr pepper and I did find a machine with one, but I pushed the wrong button and got something else. I don't remember what it was but I do remember finally getting a diet dr pepper. And I am pretty sure I called Ray to tell him I had landed, but I don't remember doing that either. The next thing I remember is the people I was sitting next to on the plane. They were a couple about my age. I didn't talk to them at all during the flight, but when we started the decent into San Diego I decided to ask them if they were from San Diego. THEY WERE. So I asked about taxis and ubers that were available once we landed and they assured me that I would be able to find one. They actually agreed to walk me out and help me find a car after I told them my circumstances. They were so kind. It was so funny when I told them where I worked they asked if I was a Mormon and I told her I was. She told me that her friend was Mormon and she knows that if I need anything while I was there that "the Mormons would take good care of me, they are amazing people". Which is so true. I knew for a fact if I needed anything I could contact a bishop in the area and they would help us. When we were allowed to take our phones off of airplane mode, I started getting several texts from Ray's cousin, Laina. I've posted about her before and we love her. She lives in Anaheim, but the text told me that she had found my flight and that her son Jonah and girlfriend, who were going to College in San Diego was waiting for me outside the front of the airport to drive me to Chula Vista to the hospital. I am actually in tears right now thinking about how much relief I had when I saw his cute face walking toward me outside of the airport. Another Tender Mercy. Laina made sure when all of our kids were little that they came to visit at least every other year so we know them and love them so much. I landed after 10:00 and the hospital usually makes al visitors leave at 8:00 pm every night (which was excruciating btw) but they had agreed to let Blake, Ray and Blake's mom stay until I got there so I could see Kinlee. Chula Vista is about 20 minutes from San Diego and I can't even put into words how thankful I was for Laina arranging for those cute kids to pick me up. They dropped me off and Ray met me outside and we went to see our girl. Like I said in another post NO MOTHER should have to see any of their kids on a ventilator let alone both of her kids. She was not responsive at all and was hooked up to so many machines it was so hard to see. You could tell Blake was still in shock which really was hard to see. Ray was so good with him the ENTIRE time. As per Blake's mother Ray was such a good example to him and she was so thankful to both of us. After I spent a little time with her we had to leave to go to the hotel. They had found a hotel that was about 10 minutes away from the hospital. The crazy thing is that Brooke rented the car for them, Ray is half blind, Blake's mom was not on the rental agreement and Blake wasn't even 25 so he shouldn't have been driving at all. He did drive us back to the hotel, but we added me to the rental and I was the chauffer the rest of the time we were there. When we got into our room that night, we both BROKE DOWN. WHAT A FREAKING NIGHTMARE.

November 5th

We woke up on November 5th and she did live through the night. I'm not sure at this point even if I really comprehended how dire Kinlee's situation really was. I had so much stupor of thought about going to California. I don't know why I was fighting it so hard. Maybe it was because I didn't want to admit how bad it truly was and if I wasn't there I wouldn't have to make myself believe how horrible her situation was. My mom, Trulee and a few others let me know what I NEEDED to do and that was to go to California. My mom told me what gave me the kick I needed to decide. She said, "Janel you know if your dad was here, he would tell you that you need to be there and he would go himself if he could". Well, I knew my dad was already there with her and that yes I did need to go. I called Brooke at that point and told her I needed her and John. They were there very soon after my call. Brooke came first and helped me get my flight booked to San Diego. At that point I guess I just thought when I got to San Diego I would figure out how to get to Chula Vista once I landed. After we got it booked my mom helped me pack and John gave me the most amazing blessing.

Let me go back a few weeks. My temple recommend was expiring in November so I went into one of our Counselors at church to get my interview. I work with said counselor and he is amazing. I don't know what I was struggling so much, but I had the strongest feeling that I had not been forgiven of previous sins and that is one of the temple recommend questions. Well, not exactly but it does ask if there is anything in your past you haven't repented of. I have repented, but I was struggling so hard with the doubt that I hadn't been forgiven. The counselor told me, Janel, I know you and I know you shouldn't worry I'm sure your Heavenly Father knows your heart and you shouldn't worry.

Back to my blessing that day. At the beginning of my blessing, John said these exact words and remember them like it was yesterday. "Janel, your Heavenly Father loves you and he wants you to know that you HAVE been forgiven of all your sins!!" Nobody knew I was struggling except for that counselor and my Heavenly Father. He also knew that I was about to enter into the hardest time in my life and I would NEED to know that it was Him talking to me through John. He also told me that Kinlee would be okay. What relief that brought me. Even though I knew there were different levels of Okay.

After that I finished packing Jerika came and took me to the airport.

When I got inside the airport, they told us there wasn't enough room for all carry ons and that they needed some of us to check our bags that were larger. I was on the last group to board and knew my bag most likely would not fit, which sent me into a full meltdown. I knew if I had my luggage with me and didn't have to check it I could handle the rest of the stress.  So, I went and talked to the gate agents and told them my circumstances and that I could not check my luggage because I needed to hit the ground running in San Diego. She was so kind and told me that no matter what they had to do I would not have to check my luggage at any point. THANK YOU ALASKA ARILINES. When I got on the plane, the flight attendant came up to me and gave me water and snacks and called me by name and told me I was the VIP for the flight and to let them know if I needed ANYTHING. All of the flight attendants on that flight checked on me several times. ANOTHER TENDER MERCY.

This really was one of the longest days of my life, so I will be breaking it up into separate posts.

 

November 4th Continued

After I dropped Ray off at the airport, I looked at BEREAL and this is what Kinlee had posted that morning. The surgery went fine, it was something the day after the surgery and nobody seems to have any explanation at all for any of it.

This was after Ray landed in California and was almost to the hospital

One of the many miracles we had was the fact that we were able to get a hold of the missionaries in Chula Vista and they were able to go give her a blessing at the ER before her dad got there. It was such a crazy experience. Jerika googled LDS Churches and only one came up. I called the number that was listed and they actually answered, which if you know that doesn't happen often if ever. They were able to give me the number to the missionaries and we were able to get them to the hospital and they sat with Blake for a little bit too while he waited for Ray and his mom. The text below is the text I got from the missionaries when they left the hospital. It was such a tender mercy for me.

Jerika, Lyvi, Nakia and my mom all came and sat with me for what seemed like forever until we got some news. Once Ray got there, which is was about 10:30 our time he was able to assess the situation. At this point we realized how bad it really was. What he didn't tell me until after we got her home in February is that the ER doctor told him that he didn't think she would live through the night. Jerika, Lyvi and my mom stayed the night with me. At 2:00 Ray called and I just knew it was the worst news. But, he was just calling to tell me she was stable and they were moving her to the ICU. They were making him, Blake, and his mom leave the hospital for the night. They usually make visitors leave at 8:00, so they were very gracious to let them stay as long as they did. I will say that we still to this day don't have a lot of the details. Blake would not talk about much and so we just have no idea what transpired or what the day was like for him. Except that he had to pay roughly $6000 to get her out of Mexico that day. Which actually getting her out was another miracle, especially on the same day. The  ambulance started to overheat just as they pulled into the hospital parking lot.